The Rulebook

This document will update periodically as needed. - Eleanor

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Rule #1 - Above all else--

If you think you're better than someone because of the difference in money you and that someone make, don't ever leave the house.

-No storytelling unless you have a long-process transaction in which to tell stories.

-No checks, WIC, exact change, or other long-process transactions on Express. (We may be able to open another line for people with WIC, however.)

-Regarding bills over $10 – most drawers do not open with twenties in them. Do not use bills larger than tens before 11 AM. Do not use bills larger than twenties before 1. Do not use large bills for small orders, especially during the holidays. We will be accommodating if you do not have a bank account but if there is a debit card in your wallet, you have a bank account, and you should break your big bills there. 

-Also, while many stores offer a cash-back function, don't use it. Ever. It is a pain. Again, if you have a debit card—which you will need to get cash back—you have a bank account. Go to the bank. If it's a pain for you, plan your schedule better. It costs stores to bring in change, and because they have to port in change from outside it means there is not unlimited change. Stores run out of tens, and, God forbid, they run out of fives and even ones, and then we are screwed. Bank.

-If you ask to break a hundred for tens or something similar, you deserve to be treated suspiciously, even if your bill comes up clean, even if the manager says yes. Fuck you.

-If your response is "we're not forcing you to do any of this"; actually you can control whether our store keeps its reputation and whether or not we get fired sooo...

-Yawning is a human function caused by many more forms of stimuli than just boredom. Don't go after personnel for yawning, even jokingly. It makes people scared to yawn which is like someone not to breathe.

-Brush your damn teeth, or at least eat a mint. Try to wear some deodorant. Wash your hands if you can. Yes, this applies to all genders.

 -Men are usually too loud and never apologize for anything. Women are usually too quiet and always apologize for everything. The rule of this is that you should notice this and realize the injustice in it.

-Men also communicate in grunts, refuse to respond to hellos or questions, take their anger out on cashiers and customers alike, stare at women's bodies openly, drool, flick sweat on us, piss in our aisles, belittle us, pout, whine, moan, refuse to bag, and share their racist political beliefs without provocation and expect praise for them. Women are no angels (especially white ones), but they are usually better than men.

-Anyone who is passive-aggressive, either deliberately or as an unwitting fixture of their behavior, will not be forgiven.

-There are several phrases which are 100% off-limits because literally everyone says them, and the repetition does actually mess with your head after a time. They include (but are not limited to) the following:

• "How are you?" "Can't complain...no one will let me." (Burn in hell if you make it about your wife. Bear in mind we never get tired of hearing you ask how we are, provided you don't use it as an opening to complain when we bounce the question back. Which is what this is.)
• "All these PINpads are so different!" (We know. We also spend money in retail locations.)
• "These PINpads ask too many questions." (If you think five questions is a lot, it says something about you, whether you want it to or not.)
• "Oh, you were waiting just for me!" (This facilitates the idea that we're just cute little butlers with our beaks wide open waiting for service worms. It just feels creepy.)
• Weather. Don't talk about the weather. Don't talk about the weather.
• More to come. The Word Viruses spread long and far.

-Eyes on the PINpad till the transaction is done. And the receipt printing means the transaction is done. If you see a cashier turn towards their printer as if waiting for something, they're not being rude to you. PAY ATTENTION.

-Don't pull your chip card. Don't pull your chip card. Don't pull your chip card.

-Actually, how about you do some actual research on how your card works if you don't know how to use it? I bet you could ask your bank how it works. There are even diagrams online! All it takes is EFFORT.

-The PINpads are broken. Everything is broken. The ones who can fix that don't listen to us. We've tried. By the gods, how we have tried.

-Don't smoke in the store. Hell, we usually don't even like that whole "pinch the end and keep it handy while you shop" thing because it still stinks. Not even smokers like to smell other smokers. Keep it in your purse or pocket.

-Most of us don't care if you're high or even a little tipsy, but if you don't remember what money is, or you start having a bad trip, or you're stinking drink, may all the powers of Heaven spare you from our supreme wrath. (We'll still call an ambulance if something goes wrong. We're not monsters.)

-A Thank You goes a long way; actually, by the social compacts which bind us, it's borderline requisite. "H'yup" does not equate to Thank You.

-We know the store rules better than you do. We fucking work here.

-TALK to your cashier, re: EFFORT. If you have a problem, tell them! As long as you say please and thank you and show other common signs of respect, we appreciate knowing what's going wrong when we have a chance to do something about it!

-As far as actually having conversations though--don't talk to someone if they don't want to be talked to. Previous rule applies, but don't make small talk if they clearly don't like small talk, and don't tell jokes if it's clear your jokes make them uncomfortable.

-Remember: we have to deal with you and the Management.

-Frankly, that's why we have to do ridiculous stuff sometimes, like get uncomfortably insistent about memberships that we know you don't want. The gun is to our head. Please don't bring another gun.

-Don't literally bring a gun in. Even legally.

-Don't stare at each other. Don't stare at us. Please, please, do not stare.

-Show no mercy, sympathy, or tolerance for pedophiles, child-abusers, or Nazis (and all other white supremacists). This is a rule for cashiers and customers alike.

-Unless we suck hard at our jobs, we are accommodating of people with disabilities. However, we are not mind-readers, and do not always know what accommodations you may need. Please try to be understanding if we ask questions about how to help you, and do not expect us to know all of your accommodations without your telling us.

-Cashiers do not have a hive-mind and therefore do not retain statements that you told to other cashiers. We get a clipboard with brief, general notes, maybe a briefing with a Manager if you work opening shift. After that, it's every man for himself as far as the Management is concerned.

-Please do some readings online on what emotional labor is and how retail workers perform it. You will learn, upon recognizing it from your own experiences, that is exhausting. Every business always understates how much emotional labor a cashier will have to perform. We are not your therapists. There is no shame in getting therapy. Get help.

-Do not fight with your family in front of us. If you're mad at each other, you can settle it later. Otherwise, make some time to cool off and make up. Or to get a goddamn divorce.

-Unless you're somewhere real, real fancy, we probably don't get a commission for selling memberships. We probably just get not-fired.

-Cashiers-only rule: do not do anything to weaken the power of the union. Also, participate in your union, make it good if it sucks, and vote for state representatives who believe in strong unions. But also be skeptical of populist appeals to the white working class, because those can be demons in disguise.

-This means DON'T WORK WHEN YOU AREN'T GETTING PAID.

-Regarding baggers: respect them. Always. Yes, many of them are very young. But bagging is hard fucking work, especially for people on their first job. It is tedious work, and it is usually for inadequate reward. (Remember that minors get paid less than the rest of us, and that's not okay.) Baggers also have to mop floors, clean toilets, and push carts in blizzards, thunderstorms, and extreme heat. Fuck any discourse about "building character"--youth is no reason to disrespect someone who is stuck below minimum wage for doing all those duties, on top of the loads put out by their schools. We give our kids less autonomy than we think.

 -Don't ever hit on us. There is no emphasis mark available in this software to convey the strength of the word "ever" in that sentence.

-Make your sons bag. If your daughters are bagging your sons can bag too. Moms, this is how you can avoid your sons ending up like their dad who whines and bitches all the time when you ask him to do things.

-Please and thank you are not weapons for you to use. Don't put a long pause after a command before saying "please." It highlights how you forgot to say it and it sounds condescending.

Don't boss us around. It's "may I have a book of stamps, please?" not "BOOKA STAMPS."

-Calm the fuck down.

-NO, SERIOUSLY. Calm the fuck down.